My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
as a side note pls kill me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
