in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
