I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
