If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
