I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
