Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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