please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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