cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
