you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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