If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
