somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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