I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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