So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
