she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
