One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
