you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The Olympian is in my bed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
