don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
