The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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