im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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