Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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