She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
