I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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