his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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