So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
