I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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