Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
