She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
