Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
