He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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