There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize