My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
