I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
