I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
