I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need to sanitize my soul.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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