Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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