We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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