broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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