You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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