Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My vagina is officially offended.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
