I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
