I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
