so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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