Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
