Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
