I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So. Much. Porn.
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