Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
