The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
