Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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