she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
