Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
