I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
