two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
