I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize