Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
