I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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