i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
