last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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