Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I want a musical about memes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize