Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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