cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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