I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
