The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
