My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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